Interesting it is, to me, how staying with Maxine shows me myself. She’s never been given the diagnosis of Bipolar or Manic-Depressive (that I know of nor has ever been mentioned to me) and yet I see both thinking disorder and mood disorder in each day. It seems to me that how she feels literally dictates the simple basic decisions of eating, sleeping and outlook on wanting to be alive, to say nothing of choices of getting out, being seen, going to church; these last three all being her natural way of being most of her life.
This is all TMI (too much information) and, yet, all too relatable.
What I am trying to get to, though, is that I have learned and relearned and learned all over again in my life, that I lean towards letting my feelings “decide” for me what, when, where, why, how much and if. The difficulty lies in the obvious. My feelings do not have to make a living, carry on friendships, set examples for loved ones, stay healthy, and keep commitments, nor practice faith. Need I go on? Need I mention how problematic this is? Actually, I do and I do not. There are many folks in this life who would never allow their feelings to stand in their way of anything. There are some, possibly a great many, who could not even imagine doing so. And, then, there are those of us, all in the same soup; at least to one degree or another.
How did I come to the place of saying “clamp down your thoughts?”
I got there by (unfortunately it took many years) wanting so badly to accomplish a couple key (and for many people, very simple) things in my life that I actually got it through my thick skull (read stubborn and recalcitrant mind) what I had NOT been doing. Ah, and yes, back to Maxine, what I had been doing instead. Maxine is someone I have described to others as likely never censoring a single thought she’s ever had. She tells me she has (rather than hurt or otherwise disturb another) so maybe I don’t know everything I think I do. Like her, though, I tend to “spill”. I would find it very difficult, even in dire circumstances to not tell you what you want to know, liberally salted with a great much more you don’t want to know. Many of us on this planet like to talk; we definitely like to hear ourselves talk, and we certainly like to see ourselves as having something worthwhile to say.
What I know for myself is that the “spillage” I am calling this, has a background of many thoughts. Enough thoughts comprise that whole, that there are many extraneous and unhelpful, even deleterious. Those are the ones I believe need to be clamped down, in order to allow us to move forward.
I will get to helping you — that is my end goal with this writing. However, there are at minimum a couple other posts that need to presage the information I have found to be so valuable and that seems far too simple to most I share it with. Please share your presence with me, come back soon, sayanora.