Just so you know, this post comes from material about three months back. Way too bad, it is, I need it for today. Maxine is in that “stage” where she wants to remain in charge, exert her independence and be obdurate, even about her nurse and me committing the most heinous crime of giving her too much food — by a teaspoonful.
Joel Osteen helped me immensely this AM. In fact, I am going to try to incorporate his notes right now. Today is Sunday, the 17th of April of 2011. I begin quoting him now with my inner self jumping on many of his words and repeating them, hyping them, exaggerating them, cheering myself on with them. My critics cannot keep me from my destiny. DON’T GET DISTRACTED DON’T GET DISTRACTED DON’T GET DISTRACTED BY BATTLES THAT ARE NOT MINE! IGNORE THE OTHERS! THE KEY IS TO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT GET DISTRACTED! Ignore a lot more! Don’t respond to every critic. Ignore what’s not important. Jealousy is insecurity. It’s being little. I don’t give my attention to those who don’t value who I am. I just stay on course with what God’s called me to do. I just need to run my race, to finish my course. I don’t allow my tendencies to please people to overpower my commitment to serve God. Looking at that now, I clearly see I framed that to be an affirmation. I hoped to overcome my deeply imbedded habit patterns that say otherwise. I see, too, that by staying in the old habit pattern of wanting to please others, often, very often of late, causes me to feel, and, wickedly, too often, express, hostility.
Now, back to Joel’s cheerleading me: if someone doesn’t celebrate me, I move on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just need to pursue what God puts in MY heart. There is an anointing on my life NOT to be somebody else, but rather to be me! Whoa, wait! Isn’t that what’s getting me in trouble here? All right! Per usual, I need to put some time in on thinking about this. He says: If I do it God’s way, I never lose out.
On this next one, I admit to being a little skeptical: the forces of darkness cannot keep me from where God wants me to be. I will need another post to let you in on what I’m thinking here about darkness and all. Back to Joel’s reminders and all the work I’ve got to do: I am not a people pleaser, I am a God pleaser. My only battles for me are between me and my God given destiny. I get up every morning, pursue my own heart, I quit dwelling on the negative things people say about me, I don’t have to have everyone’s approval as long as I have God’s approval. I never need to get defensive, EVER, because of any or every other human being. I’m not a crow, I’m an Eagle, I can soar at new heights. I AM SMART enough to realize all this other, all these others, are simply a distraction who can keep me from advancing my destiny UNLESS I ignore those who do not celebrate me (QUOTING Joel Osteen as best I could keep up).
Inspiration is always needed and I definitely needed it this morning. And, I need to do what I am doing, though it be distasteful, humiliating and unpleasant. I have to try this, at least. I feel such incredible hostility towards Maxine. Who, sane and in their right mind, could possibly understand it? And, yet I have to look about and see where all the sane folks are. Who wants to spend their time, really, much of their time at all with this woman? But, I digress. Or do I. It seems all too easy to get right down to the anger at God. With God. Jeez! Who cares, really, if my English is impeccable? Am I so multi-personalitied, with no hint that I really am, that there’s no thought unhampered by an internal critic? Obviously, I find lots wrong with Maxine from my (what? wrongful, tempered, sullied, damaged, immature?) perspective that at least at some level sends me screeching like a madwoman to a ridiculous degree. But, so what? I could walk away, I could just say bye, bye, sayonara, see ya, and be gone. Except . . . . Except, I am personally convinced I was inspired to come here and do this and I know there has to be something for me to learn. Surely, at my age, I should have learned it by now, indeed; but having it so clearly, as with a bludgeon, revealed to me as a horrific weakness, I have something to learn, and honestly, I’m not sure I can learn it fast enough! This sort of personal immaturity is not only unbearable. It is intolerable. It came to me in the night that I may be dying of a fast moving cancer like the one that had my maternal grandmother dead while yet in her late fifties. Should something like that occur, I’d like to leave my grandchildren with a memory of other than a foul tempered, bitter, oversized grandma. I would like so much to be who (get this) I SEE myself being, not who I turn into with a snarl-lipped anger I’m not even sure I could say where it came from if my very soul depended on it, smack dab facing God right this minute.
It’s now Thursday. I’ve actually been doing fairly well the last few days. With Catherine Zeta Jones all over the news as a bipolar, recently, and with some pontificating newscaster all “edjikated up” on it and all, it dawned on me that I should probably get my lithium back up to 4 a day, or 1200 mg., rather than 900 mg. I’d cut back to in the process of treating the low thyroid without prescription meds. I noticed the full moon has lost its steam this morning and considered I’d been through another “howling”. Anyway, the silly (I do believe I have never known anyone more silly than this woman) woman has me “treed” again, to where I’m wondering how to get back to calmly thinking to myself, “this is not my battle.” “I’m not missing out on my destiny because of this tiny sprite, and all the things I find so mind-blowingly irritating, frustrating and slack jawingly stupid about how she thinks (or fails to), about her. [And, yes, dear reader, I too have had by sailor days (along with, and beyond my salad days) and can curse with the best of them, but you know it all and I don’t need the blood pressure rising I am so capable of rendering myself.] Let’s see how long I can last, eh? It does help to write, and Alzheimer 2 does not need another win.
You did catch the request to pray for me, did you not? Thanks!