I’m not at all sure why sometimes it feels such a drag to me to pray. I’ve already been on my knees this morning; so first thing … naw, surely not before I’d been to the bathroom, but right after I think. And, I felt quite eager I’m pretty sure. I want to write a prayer every morning for a while. I was going to give some reason, but I feel like I’m more inspired to do it than any of the head game stuff I’ve been running in my head.
So here I am, almost two months later, the crippling along not-so-faithful. I’m making progress, though; I’m excited for the plans I have today; I began (again) my daily dozen Top Wants and I discovered my start in written prayer here (on one of my worksheets), and frankly feel quite impressed with the kinds of ideas that come to me as I work this way.
I have noticed more and more, the more I write and especially share my writing online; the more the inspiration I feel comes as I write; then, the stronger I feel. That mainly interprets for me to: the saner I feel. Add all that to the context of prayer, where I can (at least, sometimes) be aware I am not “fooling” anyone (or if I do, it’s only me), and I can get at least one layer deeper. I’m talking about deeper into reality.
As much as I believe I value “realness” in myself, myself with others, my conversations, my partnerships, my relationships with others, I’m often brought up short seeing myself exposed for prevaricating. Soon, I can see I’ve made a number of judgments and it looks more readily like I could have made considerable misinterpretations. I can, all too often, note that my imagination has once again been “on fire” and I have no “real” idea as to what’s what.
These are the kinds of things Joel Osteen was referencing when he was telling us we need to show “honor” anyway. These are the kinds of things that can make it so difficult for me. I get hung up on judging, self-righteousness, ego, pride, the list may well be never-ending.
There are so many things I truly hope to yet accomplish in my life and I can’t emphasize strongly enough how much I hope to be blessed to be able to stay out of depression and find a way to move forward. I need such basic things. I seem to have needed them for so long.
I feel truly gratified that I am writing a prayer in excel each day. I feel that I am much more civil and focused. I have to realize how much I am blessed in the management of my mood, also. This is one of those “crisis” times. As I say that and put the word in quotes, I realize God is not seeing it so or naming it such. That’s a relief, I think. That makes it more likely that one day I’ll look back and it won’t seem such a big deal.
For although I know He is not “in threat” as I feel I am and He does not question whether or not He has a “place to be”, I know God is aware of me and my needs and desires and efforts and He does hear my prayers. I feel that the reminder I received Sunday a week ago, and it did feel as though that was what it was, to listen to Joel Osteen, was to help me see a need for change that I hadn’t really seen before. Not to the extent I had before living with Maxine. And then, especially with having thought through as much as I did to where I could finally see how I; not her daughter, not her sister, not her granddaughter, not even seeing five hours of Dr. Phil shows on incest, but just me and my behavior toward her, had set her off into that frenzied, hate-filled, spitting, spiteful woman, ready to stand me down, and have me gone. It took a near sleepless night where I not only came to that realization, but one where I could elucidate three or four areas where we were too much alike and how grievous it was for her to have “other” doing things for her where she was surrounded by “it’s not my way of doing” to realize also, I truly did not want her to die so filled with rancor.
All of those things helped to prepare me to hear what was, of course, not a new message, but rather a message truly meant for me to take in with a commitment to take it to heart and to find a way to demonstrate the impact and inroads it had made on my being. I have just this AM read on the internet that, basically: “Not to worry. If you have bipolar and get it treated, you can live a normal life.” The above example has hit me extra hard because I heard Maxine just yesterday saying to someone how difficult I am because I am bipolar, and I heard them ask, “Is she taking her medication.” Since the answer is/was, “yes”, and I’ve been diagnosed now 25 years and learned Recovery and the list is longer than that as to why I “should” be living a normal life, right, right, right. Indeed. If there cannot be hope that I can learn I still have much to do and to change, I am truly stumped and most miserable among men. Thanks be to God that I can seek His help and feel, at least, occasionally, guidance.
No wonder we are admonished not to judge. For one thing, we do not have enough information. For another, no matter who we are we can only view from our own perspective, which is not likely to be the same as the one God has.
I feel very privileged that I have been impressed upon to pray in this manner every day. I can see how I gain to do this, and one of the gains is a more steadying confidence when I am in prayer. So often, when I am on my knees I feel that my mind is wandering all over the place. My mind can do that anytime, of course, but seems a little less inclined to do so when I am trying to make good sense, should someone else read it; and, I have to pour some attention into the right keys. These things certainly matter to me, so I am thankful.
I really feel I need to bring to the forefront on my bipolar sites that the great and loving Dr. Abraham A. Low saw bipolar individuals, as well as many others, as “nervous” people, more likely “nervous patients” and his Recovery Method is a very helpful piece to any return to normalcy. Funny how that phrase popped a familiar assumption right at the forefront of my thinking –“who’s normal, anyway?” And, maybe no one is, but I feel there’s a recognizable standard we can all strive for — if we so choose.
When I look back, I want to understand that I had committed to God (and myself) to remain positive no matter what, AND I had even had a foreshadowing that there would be a hitch somewhere in the ending of being with Maxine. I just realized that. I think that’s what I maybe anticipated: that it wouldn’t go so smoothly.
I want to share this piece actually in prayer: “I’m really grateful to have had the preparation and to have committed to Thee and been reminded of that commitment (to remain positive, no matter what), because I have failed so many times in the past to remain steadfast in belief that Thou was with me, and I indeed did know what I knew. Thank Thee, Father. Please continue to strengthen me (as I do very much need that) and bless me.”